October 13th, 2005


".... so it's been like two and a half months since she got her period and yet we've done like a million EPTs and they are all negative so no one should ever worry about this shit and yet I had this wet dream last night about this girl who looked exactly like Rome Girl yet she told me she was 15 but said she was involved in some religious cult that would damn her to hell if she did not find some older male to impregnate her before she reached age 16 and so I would be helping her find god if I just gave her a bit of dick for five minutes or something and I didn't even have to cum inside her as long as I did it enough so she could tell her mother that she tried to trap a man and was therefore a good girl and while I was dreaming this one of my friends who has had the bad fortune to fall in love with an Austin chick called me up and asked me long distance for some "Bolivian jet lag cure" and I keep reading stories on www.darkwander.net about how hot it is to eat your woman out after a black man has streatched her pussy and I wonder why I have not tasted black sperm in a white pussy since I was 25 and then wonder why most people have never had this taste and so I go to the bathroom and jerk off for a moment (not to completion) thinking about a black guy rubbing rome girl's clit, but then I realize that the only black american guy I've met in the past month in this town is a douche and I would not want him to fuck her ever, but that if Blade or some black vampire wanted to do her I'd be into it and I'd jerk off on her tits and then i stoke off to the idea of the sodof bald guy in our group fucking her doggy style and realize that the two of them would look good fucking together and then for some reason the thought of her telling me she's pregnant makes my dick get even harder and then I think of my asshole neighbor who comes home at 2 a.m. and sings show tunes at the top of his lungs and I wish I could buy a gun and shoot him and then I notice that Rome Girl is snoring so I pour another shot of vodka (which would piss her off since I'm obviously drunk) and then I run to the window and pull out my cock and I jerk off while standing in the window thinking about knocking up a 13 year old trailer trash girl and after I cum everything seems more rational and I remember my dad saying that he would give me a grand towards a ring if I can just manage to live with rome girl without chaos for a year and that is way generous since the Balerina took me and my dad for about 40k and there is no way in hell I could afford a ring for rome girl without some help from my dad even though I want to marry her tomorrow and at the end of the day the girl who posted on my blog and wanted to know who "bart" was as opposed to the Drunken Ex Pat Writer, here you go and this is it and I will take her to the doctor this week and hope that she is not pregnant but if she is it will be cool and I hope also that we will find a good apartment but if we don't I own a great TV and we will deal with it and life will be good and I always knew there would be no exit like this..."


The Lucious Lipstick Lesbians

By popular demand behold the Lucious Lipstick Lesbians.

These are the carpet munchers of your dreams. They don't look like porn stars or "bi" girls trying to turn on their boyfriends. They don't look like diesel dykes and they don't play softball.

The Lucious Lipstick Lesbians just look like normal girls - which is what makes them the fodder for a million Montpellier jerk off fantasies.

One is tall and blonde. The other is short and a brunette. They run the local British Restaurant and serve bacon, eggs, homemade sausages and mimosas every Sunday for brunch.

Any conversation with them can go anywhere. Just this Sunday Rome Girl was comparing (I am not making this up) lipstick with Brunnet Lesbian when I suddenly overheard this bit of conversation:

Brunette: "And the fucking strap on broke the fucking second time we used it!"
Rome Girl: "That sucks. It's not like you can return it."
Blonde: "It wasn't even made of leather. And these fucking harnesses are made for fucking blokes who can't get it up. Look at her waist. Can you imagine trying to get a blocks strap on attached to that thing?"
Brunnette: "Yeah, you have to go to England if you want the good fuck toys."

What makes the girls even more charming is their habit of getting drunk and then convincing straight girls to take off their shirts and dance on top of the bar topless. Miss Darling (who we will discuss another day) has rubbed tits with the Brunnette on top of the bar on more than one occaison.


Still for all of their pussy eating and sausage making and strap on breaking they are by far the most "normal" of any of the Fitzpatrick's Rogues Gallery.

Raise a small glass of beer to the Lucious Lipstick Lesbians and may they find the ultimate strap on.

Tomorrow - Mr. Bitch or Miss Darling?