September 30th, 2005

The Worst Bar In The World

Tonight, Rome Girl and I will be heading off to the worst bar in the world - The Fizz.

This drunken hive of scum and villany opens around 1 a.m. (or later) and stays open until 4, 5 or 6 or until the bouncer, Theiry, has terrified or beaten up enough customers to close the place.

At The Fizz, the management long ago figured out that when entertaining people on cheap vodka/coke/XTC at 3:30 a.m. heat and/or air conditioning are not obligatory expenses. As are clean floors or glasses. I'm told they have not cleaned their beer lines in five years.

This is the type of place where they sell their booze by the bottle and play early Brintny Spears songs without any sense of irony at all.

It goes without saying that I love the place.

Here are some examples of adventures past in the bar at the end of the universe:

1. The newest bartender at the greatest bar in the world -, has already had his nose broken when the bouncer, Theiry, kicked him in the face. This bartender has only been in town two weeks.

2. Last year, Rome Girl and I were making out and decided to step outside for a bit of fun. I was undressing her by a fountain when the bartendress ran out and screamed "Bart, first you pay for your drinks, then you fuck!" This was not considered an unusual occurance.

3. One night, the Fitzpatrick's bar staff decided they wanted to dance naked in the Fizz. No one stopped them or thought anything of it.

4. When my brother was 16, he managed to pick up a 24 year old French girl at the Fizz, even though she spoke no English and he spoke no French.

5. Theiry keeps a tazer, a revolver and a dagger at his bouncer station.

6. Once, while drinking absinthe, I was convinced that all the customers were really dolphins.

7. They serve Tequilla Paf - which is half tequilla, half seven up. You order them in groups of 10 or 15 shots and do them in rapid succession after banging them on the bar to make them really carbonated.

8. Every year Moby plays a concert in Montpellier and then comes to the Fizz to get drunk and laid. Nobody cares.

9. I think, but am not sure, that when I was introduced to one of the "backers" of The Fizz that it was Jimmy Hoffa.