September 8th, 2005

Rememberence Of Things Past

It was several years ago today that my wife left.

My memories of the aftermath are so weird. I remember that everyday shit just seemed to take so long. I'd be waiting at a Tabac to buy a pack of cigs and it would seem like I was there for hours when it could have only been like two minutes.

I couldn't retain any information. I'd watch an episode of Friends on DVD, start it from the begining again and it was like watching a brand new show!

At night, even though I was living in the South of France and I'd bundle up in thick blankets, everything was so cold. I'd lay there unable to sleep, shivering like I was in the center of a Republican's heart. One night my toes went numb.

Soon after came days of being afraid to leave the apartment because the spiders might eat me and nights of making friends with the bats that in retrospect didn't exist.

I'd have weird sex dreams of her fucking other men. Then came the diagnosis of a "walking nervous breakdown," weird medications that made my dick not work and put a weird pink sheen on my vision.

I'm shocked at how much better things are now. I'm living with a woman who's better, and better for me, than my ex ever was. I don't need prescription medication and my dick works. I was able to get through a nightmare dinner with my family on Monday without screaming at just how wrong things are.

There are still hills to climb. I'd love to stop having dreams of burning my former mother in law to death with lit Marlboros and twice I've woken up in panic attacks convinced that Rome Girl wanted to kill me in my sleep.

Yet, it's good to know that I'm strong enough to survive shit, even when it's hard.

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