August 29th, 2005

Pissing People Off

About two years ago, shortly after my wife decided that living with her mother at age 30 was more fun than my company, I hit a point where I was so broke and behind on my rent that I took a three week gig as an advice collumnist for a gay fetish site.

Behold the weirdest question I got and my response:

Dear (name removed to protect the site),

I was at a club a couple of months ago and finally decided to get the balls to get in the piss tub. I had always wanted to do this, but never had the guts. Well needless to say, I loved it. I probably got pissed on by about at least 30 guys, but probably more. When I left, I had serious itching all over. After I showered the next day, I was fine. I returned to the club the next night and did this again. This time there was no itching.

What might have caused the itching?

Thanks,

Pisshead


Dear Pisshead,

You got pissed on by 30 random guys and you wonder why the fuck your skin itched until you showered? Are you for real? Do you understand why people piss in the first place?

People take a leak in order to eliminate waste products from our system. That means that anything you eat or drink can end up in your dream stream. Urine itself is sterile but the other ingredients may not be. If you drink a lot of booze, there is going to be booze in your piss. If you eat a lot of Indian food there is going to be spicy shit in there.

Now what do you think the odds are among 30 random guys that one or more of them might have ingested something that night that might bother your skin? Pretty fucking high stud. That said, what is the big deal? As soon as you showered and washed the piss off you were fine.

If you want nice soft supple itch free skin go to The Body Shop and buy some moisturiser like the other girls. If you want to get pissed on, be a man and deal with a little bit of irritation.


Piss off!

(name again removed to protect the guilty)

Bart

P.S. Here's something that has been pissing me off at myself and the world the past couple days. When I was out with my dad Friday he mentioned that he had been out with my former mother-in-law (who encouraged my wife to leave me) and that she looked very sick.

Before I could think I said "Good."

This makes me feel like shit because she is my dad's friend and that's a shitty thing to say. Plus I really don't wish illness on anyone.

Yet part of me is glad she's sick and I'm fucking pissed off at that part of me.

Not enough to let 30 people (male or female) piss on me.