August 28th, 2005

Revenge Of The Nerd

For the past six years, I've felt like the coolest kid in school. I've lived in the south of France as a drunken ex-pat writer. My sexual excursions have either involved former ballerinas, rock groupies, rock stars, ex-Annie cast members or wealthy girls who could afford to pay for expensive Barcelona hotel rooms in which to work out their role playing date rape fantasies. I chain smoke French cigs, have lived in a dank apartment (at one point with no toilet or electricity) and pretty much done all the cool shit.

Then I came to Brooklyn to visit Rome Girl - and I became the biggest nerd in the planet. Cases in point:

1. I was close to blowing loads in my pants over the latest Star Wars film - even though by definition it had to be the most boring film ever made. Everyone knew that the entire plot of the film was that this guy had to kill all his friends, fall into a vat of lava, and then end up wearing a Terry Schialvo mask and black suit. Yet... we all HAD TO SEE IT THE FIRST DAY IT CAME OUT!

2. I actually went to the Union Square Barnes and Nobel the night the new Harry Potter book came out and hung out for four hours drinking "potions", wearing fake glasses, trying to impress girls with my reading of "The Lorax" by Dr. Seus and had my photo taken with "Snape" "Dumbledore" and " Hermione." Then, at the end said fuck it to the line and ran over to Virgin Records and bought the book in two minutes flat.

3. I have now read every single review of the new Brett Easton Ellis book, Lunar Park, to the point of actually downloading five minutes of him reading the first three pages of the book. This I justify somewhat by remembering that he writes about cocaine, homoerotica, Huey Lewis and the News and California - all of which were cool at some point.

4. Rome Girl and I were both bored and online this afternon. In the space of 20 minutes she managed to find and download better lesbian porn than I have been able to find in roughly 5 years of searching for good lesbian porn. What does it say when your straight girlfriend is better at finding quality carpet munchers than you are?

Bart

P.S. It's come to my attention that the best way to get your blog read is to have a high "google ranking" which means that you have to have good "key words" which means you need to have words and phrases in your blog that bored people are apt to type into google at 2 a.m.

I embrace this. Notice, I've already inserted the terms "lesbian porn", "vomit", "cocaine", "drunk", "incest", "star wars" and "harry potter" into my blog.

In future editons I will try to find ways to incorporate "nude Britney", "Brad's cock", "white women with black cocks", "authentic photos of Rush Limbaugh eating Peter Jenning's corpse", "desperate cuckold bastards", "great Nigerian investments", "big dick pills", "herbal Viagara" and "Bea Arthur Beastiality DVDs" into the text to ensure that I have hit all of the most popular search terms in Christian America.

Curiouser and Curiouser

Wow, aparently you can add interests to your profile so people can search you. Who knew? I suppose this is where I should have "nude britney" and "ass eating lesbians" in order to up my searchness, but I decided to go standard and list what I'm interested in. So, so radical for me. On my Friendster I list stuff like "rumsfeld black ops" and "white slavery."

At some point today I need to write about Thailand and clean the apartment. At the moment, though, I'm hungover and reading the "loving wives" section of Literotica seems like a better time investment.

Soon I hope to have a picture up. In the meantime if you are curious about what I look like you can check out my nerve profile - bfrench.

The question of the day - in honor of the through the looking glassness of a blog is:

Why is a Raven like a writing desk?

Because Poe wrote on both.

Bart

Deadlines?

Are things easier to do as their deadlines approach? Or is it just me?

Afte wasting the whole weekend with the computer and R Bar and general laziness its time to see if I can turn the 22 pages about Thailand I've cut and pasted into Word into a six page essay.

The irony is that no one will ever read this thing. It's going on a site called thaiguys.com which will be a guide to finding good male prostittues in Thailand. They just want a history of Thailand on the site to make the site seem more classy.

So essentially I have to write somthing good enough to momentarily distract cocksuckers from their pursuit of cocksucking.

Meanwhile I'm getting ready to deal with my British designer and Irish mother tomorrow when they work on paginating this book.

It's for journalism and one of the things we need is a book cover.

My idea would be pictures of the CEOs of all the big newspaper chains on their hands and knees in front of Bush with all of them saying in unison "What is thy bidding, master?"

Of course you would have to have Bush dolled up in the cool Emperor Palapatine robes to get the real effect.

I suspect my designer will do something more conventional, like actually having the name of the book on the cover.

Creativity is dead.

Bart
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Bye Bye Thai

Thailand written and sent to the client. I hope he likes and I remember that no matter how broke I am to never take a research project on again.

Next up is hoping that my crazy designer can design this book for my crazy mother wihtout causing a meltdown. She has sent hiim 27 emails since Friday which is going to drive him insane when he signs on Monday morning. He's in france so hopefully by the time I wake up he'll have calmed down.

Still, I want ambien just thinking about it.

Speaking of stress this evacuation of New Orleans must be a disaster. Can you imagine trying to get 2 million drunks (some of whom speak Creole) to do anything?

Rome Girl is on her way home soon. After a week of working out of this apartment alone I can't wait to fall asleep next to a warm, pretty body.

God, having a good woman is a wonderful thing.
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