Drunken Expat Writer

(CNN) -- Washington D.C. -- Sith Presidential Candidate Sen. Palpatine (R-Naboo) announced today that he is suspending all presidential campaigns in order to deal directly with the nation's worsening economic crisis.

"I'm arranged for my opponents to be encased in carbonite until the markets have stabilized and this regrettable period in our history is behind us," Palpatine said. "All we must do to achieve this is to temporarily set politics and freedom aside, and I am committed to doing so."

Palpatine's running mate, Anakin Skywalker, said that plans were being put in place to dissolve the Senate so that Palpatine will have a free hand to set the country back on course.

When asked if he thought that the American people would accept the dismissal of their elected representatives, Skywalker said, "Fear will keep them in line."

Obama strategist Han Solo said that plans were being put in place to try to free the Senator from carbonite as soon as possible.

"As you well know, I've been in carboninte before," Solo said. "and let me tell you, it's not as relaxing as it appears."

Solo has recently been dodging accusations from Republican candidate Sen. John McCain that he once worked as a smuggler and for an armed terrorist cell intent on sabotaging key military installations.

He refused to respond to those accusations today and added, "I want to put it on the record right now: I am not now and have never been a scruffy nerf herder."

Wall Street reacted positively to Palpatine's announcement as the Dow Jones Industrial Average shot up nearly 500 points before the end of trading.

"All the market was looking for was some stability and leadership to help them through the rough times," Palpatine's chief economic advisor, Patrick Bateman, said. "Remember, the heart of rock and roll is steal beating!"

Palpatine said he could not estimate when the election cycle would be put back on track.

"It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling," he said. "I love democracy. I love the Republic. The powers you give me I will lay down when this crisis has been abated!"

President Bush said he approved of Palpatine's action.

"As soon as the Senator called me," Bush said. "My response was, 'Why is thy bidding, master?"

WASHINGTON D.C. - (AP) Presidential Candidate Sen. Palpatine today urged restraint in responding to the recent Russian invasion of Georgia.

"This military action must not become a distraction from the more serious threats from both the Middle East and the Trade Federation," the Sith Party candidate said. "It's more of a phantom menace than a real threat."

Speaking outside a former Jedi temple in Pittsburgh, Palpatine said he had personally called Russian leaders to congratulate them on their progress in crushing the rival Georgian separatists movements.

"I urged them to release their anger," Palpatine said. "This is exactly how I would deal with similar problems in Alderan, Hoth and Newark."

The speech was part of Palpatine's efforts to convince the American people that it is he, and not John McCain, who has the most military experience.

"A real leader would never have allowed himself to be captured in the first place," Palpatine said. "Being a prisoner of war is proof that his powers were weak."

The senator was equally dismissive of Democratic candidate Barak Obama, simply commentating "He's not the candidate you are looking for," a sentiment repeated by most of the people in attendance after the speech ended.

WASHINGTON D.C. - (AP) For the first time in a generation President George W. Bush invoked executive privilege yesterday to override the constitutional amendment baring sitting presidents from seeking a third term in office.

"John McCain can kiss my white ass," Bush was heard saying to a senior aide. "Let's see if that motherfuck ever gets any Social Security payments."

The president said that he had conferred with the Attorney General and that there was legal precedence to maintain "leadership during a time of war."

Secretary Of State Condi Rice said that she had talked to the members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and that they had confirmed they would use "all military options" to make sure that an election did not occur until the "War on Terror" was won.

Sith Candidate Sen Palpatine said he was not concerned about this latest development.

"The Constitution is nothing compared to the power of the Force," Palpatine commented.

Former Admiral William Adama said that he felt the move was an effort by Bush to eventually move Sen. Barak Obama into the White House.

"Why is the black man alway trying to keep the white man down," Adama asked.

When reached for comment GOP candidate John McCain said that visiting hours at his nursing home were limited to between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. and he would be happy to address any quesions during "snack time."

WASHINGTON D.C. - (AP) Senior Homeland Security officials tonight urged Sen. Barak Obama to quit the presidential race "for his own safety and the safety of the nation."

"If the first serious black candidate for president is killed it will send shock waves through America for decades," said James "Jack" Bauer, the head of Homeland Security's CTU office. "We are doing everything we can to protect him, but honestly there is no time."

Bauer said that he hoped that Obama would leave the race in the next 24 hours.

"Even an hour later could lead to not only the Senator's death, but also a loss of ratings for many Fox affiliates," Bauer said. "Honestly, it's better for everyone if he is at risk for exactly 23 hours and 45 minutes."

Bauer said that CTU did have a suspect, identified only as "Nina" in the ongoing attempt on the Senator's life.

The District Division of CTU provided this photo of the suspect and asked the public to phone in - within the next 24 hours - if they managed to see her.



Sith Party Candidate Sen Palpatine offered to help in the search effort.

"If we find her, she will be encased in carbonite," Palpatine said.

Obama staffers rebuffed the efforts of both Homeland Security and Sen. Palpatine.

"Can I stay alive for the next 24 hours," Obama asked. "Yes, I can!"

NEW YORK - (AP) - Sith Party Presidential Candidate Sen. Palpatine invoked history today, while taking on what he sees as a multi-generational rift between white Americans and the Dark Side of the Force.

"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," Palpatine began his historic address to the American people.

Palpatine said that the nation must break the "stalemate" that has dogged the nation since the Clone Wars.

"The anger is real," he said. "It is powerful, and to simply wish it away, to condemn it without understanding its roots, only serves to widen the chasm of misunderstanding that exists between the light and dark sides of the force. You must learn to control your fears and give into your anger."

The speech, at the National Constitution Center, was by far the most prominent airing of the Force in Palpatine's campaign to become the first Sith president.

Palpatine decided to address the nation because of growing concerns about incendiary statements made by his former mentor Darth Plagueis.

"I can no more disown him than I can disown the Sith community," Palpatine said. "I can no more disown him than I can disown Darth Maul- a man who helped kill for me and was eventually sacrificed for me and yet one day turned on me and tried to kill my apprentice, Anakin Skywalker."

Palpatine said it's not just Siths who are angry - some Jedi are, too, because they feel Siths have an unfair advantage through the use of red lightsabers.

Representatives of Palpatine rival, Sen. Obama, accused Palpatine of plagiarizing sections of the speech.

NEW YORK - (AP) - Sith Party Presidential Candidate Sen. Palpatine has chosen noted Wall Street Financier Patrick Bateman to be his running mate.

"I'm in touch with humanity," Bateman said at a Monday morning press conference. "I want to fit in."

During the press conference, Bateman announced that he had personally selected Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All" to be the official campaign theme song.

"The Greatest Love of All" is one of the best, most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation, dignity," Bateman said. "Its universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the hope that it's not too late to better ourselves. Since it's impossible in this world we live in to empathize with others, we can always empathize with ourselves. It's an important message, crucial really."

Bateman, known for his good looks and "killer smile" said that he believes that the blame for the current recession and subprime mortgage crisis can be directly attributed to current President George W. Bush.

"He is probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine," Bateman said. "That whole Yale thing."

Palpatine said he considered Bateman "like an apprentice" who shares his values and long term vision. Bateman is also expected to bring credibility to Palpatine's economic stimulus package and help with crucial Wall Street campaign fundraising.

Asked what he thought would be priorities for a Palpatine administration, Bateman responded, "We have to slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people."

NEW YORK - (AP) - The New York Times has received documents suggesting that Sen. Obama may have had an inappropriate relationship with a lobbyist roughly eight years ago.

According to the documents, provided by the Senate Oversight Committee, Sen. Obama's advisors were concerned about his relationship with a woman who is referred to in congressional transcripts as "Number Six."

The woman is described as a former corporate consultant for IT infrastructure companies, who later became the chief lobbyist for the Skynet Corporation.

Sen. Obama said the charges were baseless and that he only met "Number Six" during two fact finding tours.

"We had productive discussions on how artificial intelligence could be integrated into the overall global computer network," Obama said. "This could change our future!"

Independant Candidate Former Admiral William Adama said whether Obama had sexual relations with "that woman" or not , it demonstrates a lack of judgment on the Illinois Senator's part.

"For all we know this woman may be working for the Cylons," Adama said.

In other news Sith Party Candidate Sen. Palpatine scheduled a press conference at a Wall Street location on Monday morning to announce his running mate.

CORUSCANT - (AP)-- Sith Party Presidential Candidate Sen. Palpatine promised to end the Iraq war with an "overwhelming force leading to a chilling and absolute victory over the insurgency."

Palpatine was making an appearance on Late Night With David Letterman when he made the announcement. He explained to the talk show host that he had a "secret plan" to add hundreds of thousands of additional troops to the area.

"Under my administration the military will no longer have any problems meeting and exceeding any and all recruiting efforts," Palpatine said. "We can literally triple our forces overnight while hunting down each and every collaborator, insurgent and traitor."

The senator also said that he would end the ban on stem cell research and provide full federal funding for genetic research.

Meanwhile Han Solo, who is the running mate of Independent Candidate Admiral Adama, convened a press conference to quell rumors that he is not qualified to be a heartbeat away from the presidency.

"I am not now, and nor have I ever been a scruffy nerf herder," Solo said.

The Obama campaign, which has been languishing in the polls since Adama and Palpatine entered the campaign said that Palpatine's plans would be divisive and expand military funding to unacceptable levels.

"We need to help Iraq unite, not bring the country to it's knees," Obama said. "Palpatine talks about America as though we are a modern empire. But, we Americans are a peaceful people. We would rather have no weapons."

NEW YORK - (AP) - Sith Party Candidate Sen Palpatine said today that his presidency would be run "in the tradition of the Regan Revolution" and that he supported efforts to eventually develop a "Star Wars Missile Defense System."

"The world is a dangerous place," the Sith Party Candidate said. "Until we can develop and use space based weapons, America will be at risk for attack from both religious and secular elements that threaten to destroy our way of life."

Palpatine's advisors have noted that there have been reports that some terrorist cells have managed to steal the plans and blueprints of the military's most sensitive battle systems.

"If these plans fell into the wrong hands even the smallest design flaw could lead to disaster," Palpatine said.

Palpatine's chief of staff, Anakin Skywalker, appeared on CNN's Crossfire last night to defend Palpatine's position against federal school vouchers.

"We believe that some of these vouchers have been used to send children to religious schools where they are forced to undergo extensive non secular training," Skywalker said. "In fact some of these schools actually encourage the study of faith over proven scientific claims."

At the heart of the Palpatine campaign has been a promise to eliminate religious elements from the government and the military.

Ralph Nadar, who has hinted that he may enter the race soon, attacked Palpatine on Larry King Live last night.

"Palpatine would boost military spending to dangerously high levels," Nadar said. "America is not an empire and we can not use our military to impose our values outside our borders."

NEW YORK - (AP) - Sen. Barak Obama attempted to derail the campaign of Sith Candidate Sen. Palpatine yesterday when his aids suggested that his "family values" position is "hypocritical."

"Senator Papatine's chief of staff, Anakin Skywalker, is, to put it bluntly, a deadbeat dad," one Obama aide said. "He not only abandoned both of his children, he actually cut the arm off of his son."

Skywalker immediately struck back, calling the allegations both "malicious" and "deeply disturbing."

He explained that as a single father serving in the army during a time of war he did not feel capable of raising his children himself.

"I only wanted what was best for Luke and Lea," Skywalker said. "I arranged for full adoptions for both my offspring on Alderan and Tatooine."

Skywalker also said that the allegations of abuse against his son were taken out of context.

"I have always been a strict believer in law and order and don't think that my son should have gotten special treatment," Skywalker said. "He was breaking the law and involved in a terrorist organization. Sometimes children need discipline. Spare the lightsaber and spoil the child."

Meanwhile, the Obama camp was shocked yesterday when New York Political Activist Al Sharpton announced that he was endorsing Palpatine.

"Palpatine's chief of staff, Anakin Skywalker is much more black than Obama," Sharpton said. "And I believe that Palpatine truly understands the concept of 'No Justice. No Peace."

Admiral Adama's campaign was dented yesterday when leading scientist Gaius Baltar thew his support behind the Obama team.

"Obama is the only true hope for humanity," Baltar said.

CORUSCANT - (AP)-- Sen. Palpatine, riding a crest of high poll ratings, announced yesterday that he raised a record $50 million in February, easily dwarfing the fund raising efforts of his chief rivals, Sen. Obama, Admiral Adama and Sen. McCain.

Palpatine's chief of staff, Anakin Skywalker, said that much of the money was garnered through direct mail advertisements and from members of the Trade Federation.

"Our opponents said we shouldn't even try to match their donor base," Skywalker said. "But I say 'Do or do not. There is no try."

When contacted by the Associated Press, several members of the Trade Federation said that while they were not planning to vote for Palpatine they felt strangely compelled to send him money after opening up his mass mailings.

When asked about this phenomenon, Trade Federation President Jacob Jansen replied, "These aren't the droids you are looking for."

Meanwhile, Admiral Adama, who has seen his poll numbers start to climb steadily since entering the race earlier this week, announced that he had selected the controversial businessman, Han Solo, as his running mate.

While Solo is considered a charismatic candidate who is very popular with "Soccer Moms" and midwestern voters, rumors about how he initially made his fortune have dogged him for years.

"We believe that Solo may have started his business with the profits of various smuggling operations," a representative of the Obama campaign told the AP. "He may have also been involved with various terrorist activities and training camps in Hoth and Endor. For years we've believed that there may actually be a price on his head."

While Solo could not be reached for comment, his wife, Lea, issued a statement saying "My husband is a respectable businessman. While he may have been involved with some radical elements in his youth, he was never an active member of any terrorist cell. In fact, during the time period in question he was encased in carbonite."

NEW YORK - (AP) -- Sith Candidate Sen. Palpatine has pulled ahead of Sen. Obama according to the latest CNN/Reuters tracking poll.

The poll, which was conducted after retired Admiral William Adama joined the race as an independant, shows Palpatine with 34 percent of eligible voters, just slightly above Obama's 30 percent. The poll has a margin of error of +/- 3 percentage points.

Sen. John McCain came in third with 20 percent and the newcomer Adama pulled just 16 percent of respondants.

"To those people who said that a third party candidate could not beat the power of the Democratic and Republican machines, I have three words for you," Palpatine said. "Yes we can!"

The poll suggests that Palpatine was pulling crucial swing voters - particularly white males in their mid 30s to early 40s. Obama's lead remained strong among more educated voters and women.

The Obama camp was said to be reorganizing itself to fight back. DNC Chairmen Howard Dean said that one possibility was to balance the Obama ticket with a strong Vice Presidential candidate. Both Jabba the Hut, from Tatooine, and former Palpatine ally Boba Fett are considered strong contenders for the Obama ticket.

Political experts have speculated that part of Obama's problem may be that some voters are confusing him with Adama, despite their obvious political differences. CNN Anchor Wolf Blitzer was recently suspended for two days after referring to "Admiral Obama" on the air.

Adama said he was not concerned about his poor poll performance.

"I just entered the race two days ago," Adama said. "I'm in this for the long haul."

When asked if he thought that Palpatine could keep up his current momentum, the Senator's chief of staff, Anakin Skywalker, replied, "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

NEW CAPRICA - (AP) - In a surprise move, retired Admiral William Adama announced that he will seek the U.S. Presidency, running as an Independent.

"I think the voters of America know that they are not fairly represented by the current crop of candidates," Adama said in a prepared statement. "Neither Obama, McCain nor Palpatine can deliver the kind of change this country deserves."

In a question and answer session on CNN's Larry King Live last night, Adama said he was particularly motivated to join the race by the unexpectedly high poll numbers for Sith Party Candidate Sen. Palpatine.

"His supporters remind me of zombies or clones," Adama said. "And we believe that his chief of staff, Anakin Skywalker may, in fact, be a cylon. In these dangerous times that's an unacceptable risk."

When contacted by the Associated Press, Skywalker denied being a cylon.

"While I have undergone extensive reconstructive surgery, I can assure the voting public that I am human," Skywalker said. "I find it disturbing that the admiral would use my medical history against me."

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said today's announcement will "change the fundamental dynamics of the race."

"My gut feeling," Bloomberg said,"is that while Adama might not be able to win on his own, a joint Palpatine/Adama ticket might be unbeatable."

While Palpatine's poll numbers have been surging, the McCain and Obama campaigns have been gaining ground by questioning his voting record in support of strip mining the spice mines of Kessel and have suggested that he may have employed illegal campaign tactics.

"We've had reports that people have entered voting booths intending to vote for me, but found themselves unexpectedly drawn to select Palpatine," Obama said. "The Federal Election Commision has made it clear that it is a violation to employ Jedi Mind Tricks within 500 yards of polling stations."

Both Palpatine and Adama have said security issues would be the main goals of their administrations.

CORUSCANT - (AP)-- Sen. Palpatine (Sith - Naboo) today condemned New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer's alleged involvement with a prostitution ring.

"This shows the continued moral failing of the Democratic Party," said the two term represenative who is currently running for president. "Under a Sith Party administration we would deal with violations of the law strictly but fairly. I can honestly say that justice would be both swift and absolute."

The Senator used the scandal to make the case that the Sith Party represents a chance for voters to move past the gridlock and scandals that plague both Democrats and Republicans.

"Under Republican leadership we risk having too much religious influence in the White House," Palpatine said. "My representatives have a strong history of removing religious leaders from the political process."

"The Democrats, on the other hand," the Senator continued, "are known for being soft on crime and security issues. Under my leadership we would hunt down and eliminate suspected terrorists without mercy."

The Senator has hinted that he would appoint his current chief of staff, Anakin Skywalker, as Attorney General. Skywalker, a well known death penalty advocate, has risen from a life of poverty and near servitude to become a popular political figure after several years of military service.

Democrat and Republican leaders have asserted that Palpatine is too "out of the Beltway" to become an effective president, but Palpatine has said this concern is ungrounded.

"Fear will keep Congress in line," he said at a rally in Pittsburgh Friday night.

Emperor Palpatine has his own blog.

In it he outlines why he should be president.

"I ended the war I started. - When I took unlimited power, I promised to end the separatist movement, which I also created, and I did, which is more than a certain two-term president can claim."

Sometimes when I think about the people currently running for president it makes me wish that Senator Palpatine was running.

He's a guy who actually wins wars, stands up for change and has the integrity to not let party politics interfere with his grand vision.

He's an outside the beltway kind of guy who knows exactly how to get rid of partisan gridlock.

Plus, he has the coolest advisors ever.