Drunken Expat Writer

I was reading the best blog on Nerve today and realized that many people don't know what Spiderman Sex is.

A Spiderman is when you are having sex with a woman doggy style.

Right before you are about to cum, you pull out and spit on her ass, so she thinks you've cum there.

In actuality you've cum in your hand. Then you wait until she turns her head to look at you and fling the web of cum into her face and scream "Spiderman!"

It's almost as fun as the Chocolate Bronco.

That's when you are doing it doggy style and switch holes without warning. Then you grab her hips and try to hold on while she angrily tries to buck you off.

Apparently even British celebrity girls don't wear panties anymore.

( Hermione pubes. )

Tonight it rained horribly and most French people don't go out when it rains (probably because they would melt. After all they've seen Wizard of Oz)

So it ended up with me, the bar owner and a girl as the only people in a given bar.

All of us smoke. And all of us had to go stand out and get rained on when we did smoke.

There was no one else in the bar.

So, who exactly would have been hurt if we'd been able to light up inside and kept warm?

I've never before created my own Meme, but fuck it. My favorite bars are closed and I'm bored so let's do it!

What are your favorite 10 movies of all time - regardless of genre? I'm going to list mine - in no particular order because all of these films make me smile/cry/cheer in different ways and there is no way I could say that any one was better than the other. They are simply the 10 movies that I will always, always, always watch whenever anyone suggests them.

1. Empire Strikes Back.
2. Citizen Kane
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. Repo Man
5. Fast Times At Ridgemont High
5. Almost Famous
6. John Carpenter's Halloween
7. The Usual Suspects
8. Pulp Fiction
9. The Maltese Falcon
10. Aliens (note to people in countries other than America - this is the sequel to "Alien". I know it was called "Alien 2" in your country. It's still better than the original "Alien.")

But the Associated Press released their list of the top 10 news stories of the year.

Shockingly Lohan, Paris, the Spears Family, Winehouse and Ritchie didn't make the cut.

I'm being serious. Sure, each one on it's own isn't that big a deal, but the slow breakdown and collapse of young famous women was the news story of the year. Taken as a whole it's overwhelming. I can't remember a year where so many young women in the spotlight disintegrated in front of our eyes.

It's the end of the certain type of innocence, the death of the American dream and the opening of our eyes to a system that seems designed to destroy young women all rolled up into one.

I can't remember in my lifetime ever seeing someone in the spotlight so quickly and consistently break down as Spears did this year. And then Lohan happened. Along the way Paris lost her allure. And then Winehouse and now Jamie Lynne.

Whether or not you are interested in these stories doesn't really matter - because it does symbolize some sort of huge change in the way we look at celebrities - particularly if they are young, female and pretty.

It would be like if our parents generation had to watch Judy Garland, Marilyn Monroe and Janis Joplin all breakdown together in a matter of months.

No one is protecting these people anymore. There doesn't even seem to be a system to sweep problems under the rug or put some sort of positive spin on them.

We've been delivered from innocence, people, and all that's left is the scent of burning meth, dirty diapers and the look of smug superiority from people who should know better.

Over the past few months I've seen any number of posts - either here on LJ or on other blog boards - saying that "Internet Dating Is Dead."

What they mean, in general, is that these people have tried Internet dating, still don't have a partner and are frustrated. What seemed at first to be a miracle cure for dating doldrums - and a way to contact a far larger number of people than at the local bar - ended up posing the same issues as dating in real life.

But, the thing is Internet dating can work. I know it can because it worked for me. During the 18 months I was active on Nerve I went out with 18 girls and had sex (if we count oral to orgasm as "sex) with 14 of them. And I found my long term partner - hence why Rome Girl sometimes teasingly refers to herself as "14."

I'm not trying to brag here - my point is simply that if you want ass you can find ass, if you want an LTR you can find that too.

That said I've read the "advice" given out on Internet dating and I did it completely differently than the advice. So, it occurs to me that perhaps Internet dating isn't dead - it's the way people date on the Internet.

Anyway, I figured I'd pass on my successful Internet dating system. Of course (to prevent troll comments) this may not work for everyone. It requires a bit of patience and some brass balls and/or onyx ovaries.

1. Talk to your potential dates for weeks online before your first date. All this advice on getting the first date over with as soon as possible to figure out if you have "chemistry" is bullshit. It simply means you'll end up going out on a lot of crappy first dates.

2. Don't trust the profile picture. It's the best picture ever taken of that person. During your weeks of email and/or IM exchanges get lots and lots of pictures of the other person. You can't tell if someone is really attractive if you've seen less than about a dozen pics. If the person only ever sends headshots be very, very afraid.

3. Always have several rounds of cyber or email sex before you go out on the first date. This isn't because you are a perve. It's so you can figure out if the two of you are sexually compatible in the abstract. Better to find out now than on the sixth date. EDIT: To be clear when I talk of "cyber or email sex" I'm not referring necessarily to talking dirty about fucking each other. I'm talking about anything that brings up sex directly. Obviously some people would rather talk about fantasies. Other people would rather talk about previous experiences. Some people may just want to say "I like this" or "I don't like that." My main point is get some sort of sex talk going upfront so you figure out if you have sexual compatibility. Better to find out now than in the bedroom.

4. Understand that both of you will mostly likely be going out on dates with other people before your first date. Talk to them about their dates. You'll learn more by how they react to their dates than you'd think. You'll find out what their dealbreakers are. You'll figure out if they are a nut job. You'll know what not to do on the first date - and probably discover something you can do to make the first date special.

5. Use these weeks wisely. If you get more pictures and realize you aren't attracted to the person don't go out on the first date. Same goes for if the cybersex isn't doing it for you or if their descriptions of their dates sets off ANY red flags.

6. Try and find out how their last relationship ended. This will tell you more than you'd expect.

7. Everyone has at least one "worst feature" about their personality and/or body. Mention this before the first date and see how the person reacts. There is no point in hiding it. If you have a beer belly tell them. Better they blow you off now than see you on the first date and are like "fuck, he has a beer belly."

8. Everyone has at least one "best feature." Don't mention this. You'll build up expectations. It's much, much better to let your best feature come out in person as a pleasant surprise.

9. If the person pushes for a date during the first week or two of your first contact don't go out with them. Explain once that you take things slow with Internet dating. If they are into you and are worth it, they'll be patient.

10. The first date should be drinks at a bar and then dinner at a restaurant. When walking from the bar to the restaurant try to kiss your date. At this point they've talked to you online for weeks and have now been with you for an hour or so in person. They know if they are attracted to you and you know if you are attracted to them. If they respond well to the kiss, relax and be a charming dinner companion. They like you! If they don't respond well, then there's no chemistry. Treat them to a nice dinner, don't act disappointed and don't try to make another move later in the evening. Sure, they may not be into you, but they'll go home feeling like you've treated them with class. And, they probably have some single friends.

Things I wish I'd known about sex and girls when I was 18.

(Note: I'm a boy, so it's possible, and perhaps likely, that I'm still wrong about a lot of girl shit. Feel free to add your own observations and if I'm way off base on something, remember that I have a penis, so that's normal.)

1. Women can separate sex and love. In fact, they often do so better than we do.

2. Stamina isn't everything. Yes, it's great not to cum in 10 seconds. But, going too long will piss the girl off even more than if you are a speedy squirter.

3. Chicks want dick just as much as guys want pussy. They are just more selective and subtle about it.

4. You can spank a girl, call her a slut and be a total bastard when you are fucking her - but only if you are really nice to her outside the bedroom.

5. Always cuddle a girl after cumming on her face, tits, neck or ass. Cuddle her a lot.

6. If a girl wants to kiss you after she's sucked your cock, let her.

7. Sometimes girls like it when you cum too quickly.

8. If you are wondering if your girl had an orgasm, don't ask her. She probably didn't and you certainly don't want to know.

9. The best way to make a girl want to fuck you is to be getting laid regularly. The best way to ensure that a girl doesn't want to fuck you is to not be getting laid regularly.

10. Girls who put out on the first date are more than worth it - and should be treated with love and respect, because they'll make great girlfriends.

11. She's just as tempted to cheat as you are. Perhaps more so because she has more opportunities and is probably better at getting away with it.

12. Fuck yeah, size matters!

13. Being too sweet to her is a great way to make sure she keeps her panties on.

14. Unless you are a rock star or in the CIA, odds are she could give a shit about what you do for a living.

15. Somtimes, when it comes to her boobs, it's not about the nipples, but about the tops and the sides.

Tonight we went to the decadent African restaurant with Cockney Geezer, his new girl, the new girl's daughter and the his new girl's daughter's best friend.

The main reason being it was the new girl's daughter's best friend's 15th birthday.

And holy fuck did we have a good time.

This is the type of night when I realize that the anti drinking laws in America are fucked. These two girls, one 14 and one 15 were able to have Pina Coladas with us and smoke cigs and just be cool and they didn't get totally wasted.

Guess why?

Because there was no cache to them to get wasted. Instead, because they could drink the cache to them was to act cool and not get wasted - which is the opposite of what the cache would have been if they were in America and had to sneak booze.

Anyway, beyond that, it was a night to remember. Because the African Place is way out of town and an expensive cab ride to and fro I have not been there in a couple years and Rome Girl had never been there before.

Man, is it worth it.

We spent 35 euros ($42) each, for what was essentially a five course meal with unlimited alcohol. And between courses they came out with trays of fancy cigarettes for you to sample for free. Rome Girl liked the Vanilla and the Chocolate flavored ones. And, when you leave they hand you more. We walked out with eight flavored cigs each!

In between that we ate antelope, kangaroo, venison and the girls even tried jellyfish among other all you can eat treats. And there was a birthday cake and unlimited 140 proof rum. As well as giant bowls of Pina Coladas with giant straws for us to drink them with.

And halfway through the meal about five girls came out in bikinis and grass skirts and did belly dances around the tables.

It took us about four hours to get through the meal, but we enjoyed every minute of it.

While looking at Britney Spears' vagina last night I had a thought.

It used to be that liking bald vaginas or women not wearing underwear was naughty, if not somewhat kinky.

But now that many, many women wax their vadges and go comando is it actually more kinky to prefer girls with pubes and to like it when they wear panties because it's fun to pull them off?

For me, that moment where the girl lifts her ass just a little bit off the bed so you can ease her panties down her legs is a priceless moment.

But, obviously, I'm outside the mainstream.

According to the Daily Mirror the average size of women's waists has grown seven inches over the past 50 years.

This is clearly good news for guys like me who like a little meat on the bone (and bad news for the fuckweasle shithead asswipe who dumped Rome Girl's best friend four months after marrying her because she "let herself go.")

But, it also gives me a bit of a "Dude, WTF?" moment.

Because while real women may be bigger now than they were 50 years ago, the images that advertising and the media force on them are thinner than they were back then.

Think about it - back when women were skinnier Jayne Mansfield and the like were the feminine ideal. Now when women are actually bigger they are given Kate Moss and other rarely menstruating skeletons.

How did this come to be?

Do ad companies just naturally push the opposite of reality?

Is the media just run by really bitchy gay men who want to torture women?

Do women simply want what they don't have?

What do you think?

Discuss.

Fact: Almost every Palestinian killed in the conflict this week was a civilian.

Fact: Almost every person is Israel killed was a soldier.

Fact: More than 10 times as many Lebanese have been killed this week than Isralies.

Fact: Israel justifies this by saying they are responding to "Our 9/11."

Fact: Several thousand people died in 9/11.

Fact. Two people were kidnapped in Israel last week.

Fact: Israel can only get away with this shit because of American support.

Fact: 9/11 happpened because we support Israel.

The story of my 20s is the story of a boy on the way up. Starting out of college as a part time two day a week midnight to 8 a.m. guy listening to the newsroom police scanner, I got promoted about once a year, got good raises when I asked for them and got on the front page of the newspaper three or four days a week.

Even when I bitched and moaned, it always ended up in my favor - either being given a collumn or fun gigs reviewing rock and roll to soothe my growing bitterness.

My 30s on the other hand have been a story of a certain slakertude. Sure, I work every day and make as much money as I can, but I'm harldy a man "on his way up in the world."

This, I think, is why what I'm doing with my life is so strange to my parents. They assumed that after 10 years of being "on the right track" that, like them, I'd be that way forever.

What they don't get is that I was never really "on the right track" inside. I just didn't know any other way.

Both my parents were always wildly successful in their chosen professions (my dad with academia, moving quickly up the food chain to dean and humanities chairman, my mom in corporate journalism eventually being the executive editor first of the Asbury Park Press and then of the Bergen Record) and it was assumed that I would follow in their footsteps.

So, whether I liked it or not, I felt the pressure and the pressure felt me and I dove in head first and worked 60 hours a week and most holidays and as will happen if you are smart and work hard, I moved up.

And with each move up I was less and less happy. What I was doing wasn't me - it was what my family expected me to be, which is something quite different.

Because of what I did, I essentially wasted my 20s.

You know how the people in their 20s on Live Journal talk about getting drunk on a tuesday night, hooking up and having fun and getting stoned? I never had the chance to do that - because there was always more work to be done and more bosses and parents and stuff to impress.

That's why when I turned 30, I finally said "enough." I was strong enough to admit that I just didn't care anymore.

And so I stepped off the wheel.

I feel bad for my parents in a way, because they have to watch their friends children giving them grandchildren and buy nice houses and in general have something to brag about.

I'm sure that my recent history of divorce, nervous breakdown, porn writing and general weirdness gives them almost nothing to come back with.

But the truth is, I've given all I have to give and now my life is about doing what I need to do and loving Rome Girl and drinking pints with friends and saying "fuck it" and wasting a work day on Backgammon with the Fuller Brush Man when I want to.

Like Green Day says, "There is nothing wrong with me. This is how I'm supposed to be."

DEPW

So, as previously noted, I have to start cumming coming up with some ideas for taglines for Eve and Eve Adult Sex toys.

My thoughts so far:

It never brings a U-Haul

Always The Lady's Choice

Touch a touch a touch me. I want to be dirty.

Worth Two In The Bush

Better Than A Fish With A Bicycle

What It Feels Like For A Girl

A Not So Quiet Night In - You!

When You Think About Us You Touch Yourself

Turn The Music Up

Your Own Isle Of Lesbos

Be Overwhelmed

Climb The Highest Peaks

The Pot Of Gold At The End Of Your Rainbow

The Climax Of Her Story

Herotic Endeavors

Drench Your Rainforrest

Create Your Own Global Warming

You Know Who You Are

Slip Sliding Away

Just Ask Charlotte

This Is The End Of The Innocence

Cali's Fornication

For Lawful Carnal Knowlege

Bushwhacked!

I bop. You bop. They bop. She bop.

Dancing With Myself

Hello, Nikki Darling

Your ideas?

I've noticed a weird thing about couples in their 20s lately.

For some reason when they go out to dinner or for drinks the girl is always very well dressed. You can tell she put a lot of effort into it.

But, the guys are, if anything, more poorly dressed than when they hang out with their friends. I keep seeing girls in really nice dresses and skirts with their makeup perfect, out with guys wearing dirty, ripped T-shirts and stained jeans.

I don't get it.

I mean I've never been a clothes horse, but if I take a girl out, I try to look at least decent. Also, why do the girls keep dressing up, if they know that the guys are going to look like Ted Nugent roadies?

What's up with this?

DEPW

When I was about 21 and 22 and home from college I used to crave the steak sandwiches served at the local pub, The Lincroft Inn.

The problem was that they cost about $20 and at the time that was a lot more money than I could spend on a sandwich. My dad, loved the sandwiches too, but I knew if I was constantly bugging him to take me out to lunch, he'd get annoyed and say "no."

So instead, I'd offer to buy him a pint. Then, we'd get there, he'd smell the meat cooking and almost always end up buying us a couple sandwiches.

My point being that in this life you often get more by asking for less.

I'm thinking about this because several of my female friends keeping saying to me "When am I going to get a relationship?" Sure, they get dates, but they don't end up getting guys who want to be "serious."

My advice to them is this: Stop looking for a relationship and you'll probably get one. Go out on dates and be fun and flirty. Give the guy the best sex of his life, but act like serious dating is the last thing in the world you want. If he tries to get serious, pull away and just give him a blow job instead.

He'll be so amazed and impressed, you'll have a ring on your finger before the year is out.

DEPW

The thing about fucking is that even for the horniest of horndogs or the sluttiest of sluts, there are just some places you would never go.

And, no matter how chaste and monagamous you are, there is always at least one person who could temp you to break your vows.

So, who are the top five people that you would risk life, liberty and property to fuck? And who are the top five that you would not fuck for any amount of money no matter how drunk you were?



My list:

To Die For:

1 Siouxie Sioux

2. Britney Spears, three years ago.

3. Rose McGowen

4. Shane From L Word

5. Drew Barrymore

Not In A Million, Billion Years

1. Lindsy Lohan

2. The Olsen Twins

3. Bea Arthur

4. Ashlee Simpson

5. Jenny, From L Word

Sometimes we go to the movies for the special effects.

Sometimes we go for the acting.

Sometimes we go because the actors are hot and/or naked.

And sometimes we go because what the actors say speaks to us.

As a writer, I'm a total spoken word junky. And I can obsess over individual lines.

Here's my top five. What are yours?

1. "Once again, I appoligize for all my shortcommings." (Gone With The Wind.)

2. "Life is just a way of looking at that wave and saying 'hey bud, let's party.'" (Fast Times At Ridgemont High.)

3. "How do you shoot the devil in the back, Agent Kujan? What if you miss?" (The Usual Suspects.)

4. "It's the stuff that dreams are made of." (The Maltese Falcon.)

5. "They sold you to Humble Pie for a case of beer." "What kind of beer?" (Almost Famous)

Back before I was married, when I was happily single, all the girls I wanted to date and all my female friends had one rule "I am a woman, not a babe or a girl." Also they wanted it made clear that "I don't want to date a boy, I want to date a man."

Since my divorce, the tables are turned. Every adult female I know refers to herself as "a girl" and calls any male in the approximate dating age as her, "a boy."

When did this happen and what does it mean?

Does it mean that females now have power, so they don't need the label? Is calling a male a "boy" a way of putting sex in context and making it clear they don't need "a man."

Could it be an admission of how silly dating is? Or just a way to keep "girlishness" a part of their lives as long as possible?

Or in these days of right wing everything, is it some sort of weird retro backlash?

What do you think?

DEPW wants to know.

I have a question for the ladies.

I love looking at girls' asses. I like them in tight jeans. I like them in tight skirts. I like them in little black dresses. I like them naked and pointed up in the air with sperm dripping down them.

But, the reason I like looking at them is that they make me think of penetrating them or the pussies that lie right beside them. It's all about wanting access to the most primal and vulerable parts of the people they are attached to.

So, why the heck to girls' like guy's asses. The vast majority of girls never penetrate them, yet almost all of my female friends talk about how cute the ass is of this or that guy.

What's the attraction and what are you thinking when you scope them out?

DEPW

When I talk to guys in their mid 30s it seems like they all feel like they are hitting the peak of their attractivness, yet the girls I talk to that age seem to feel like if they don't find someone soon, all the guys will want someone younger.

What makes this suck even more is that it's the girls who are hitting the peak of their sexuality, and should be the most desireable, while the guys are losing testosterone by the day and should be becoming less and less wanted.

It makes no sense to me.

I've looked at a lot of pussy in my life and never seen an expiration date.

If anything else, the tuna tunnel seems to be more like wine - it gets better with age.

DEPW