Drunken Expat Writer

I was reading the best blog on Nerve today and realized that many people don't know what Spiderman Sex is.

A Spiderman is when you are having sex with a woman doggy style.

Right before you are about to cum, you pull out and spit on her ass, so she thinks you've cum there.

In actuality you've cum in your hand. Then you wait until she turns her head to look at you and fling the web of cum into her face and scream "Spiderman!"

It's almost as fun as the Chocolate Bronco.

That's when you are doing it doggy style and switch holes without warning. Then you grab her hips and try to hold on while she angrily tries to buck you off.

Apparently even British celebrity girls don't wear panties anymore.

( Hermione pubes. )

Tonight it rained horribly and most French people don't go out when it rains (probably because they would melt. After all they've seen Wizard of Oz)

So it ended up with me, the bar owner and a girl as the only people in a given bar.

All of us smoke. And all of us had to go stand out and get rained on when we did smoke.

There was no one else in the bar.

So, who exactly would have been hurt if we'd been able to light up inside and kept warm?

I've never before created my own Meme, but fuck it. My favorite bars are closed and I'm bored so let's do it!

What are your favorite 10 movies of all time - regardless of genre? I'm going to list mine - in no particular order because all of these films make me smile/cry/cheer in different ways and there is no way I could say that any one was better than the other. They are simply the 10 movies that I will always, always, always watch whenever anyone suggests them.

1. Empire Strikes Back.
2. Citizen Kane
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. Repo Man
5. Fast Times At Ridgemont High
5. Almost Famous
6. John Carpenter's Halloween
7. The Usual Suspects
8. Pulp Fiction
9. The Maltese Falcon
10. Aliens (note to people in countries other than America - this is the sequel to "Alien". I know it was called "Alien 2" in your country. It's still better than the original "Alien.")

This whole Junior Year Abroad murder thing in Italy is so fucking strange and getting stranger by the day.

I'm not sure if this has been on the news much in the United States - and to be honest to get the full story here you'd have to read about six different UK papers, each of which is reporting a different piece of the puzzle, so I'll summarize briefly.

This American girl, Amanda Knox, who liked to be called "Foxy Knoxy", decided to do her Junior Year Abroad in Italy. She ended up living in a dorm room with a British girl, Meredith Kercher.

The two girls became best friends and started hanging out at the local expat bars.

But, it turns out that Knox was pretty fucking kinky for a 20 year old girl. Her MySpace page, since taken down, was filled with tons of essays about how she wanted to rape girls because "girls don't know they want it until you give it to them."

So, Knox ends up dating one of the guys who own/runs (some papers say he owns it, some say he runs it) the local expat bar.

One night she and him decide that they are going to get a couple other guys to rape her roommate - in order to prove that women want to be forced into sex.

Remember, we are talking about two young girls here, one aged 20, one 21.

So, they all go back and first lesbian rape Meredith and then the guys gang bang her.

When Meredith starts freaking out they murder her, because they are shocked she isn't overjoyed at what they did to her.

Then, they go someplace else and watch Grey's Anatomy.

Like how do you get that fucked up?

Fact: Almost every Palestinian killed in the conflict this week was a civilian.

Fact: Almost every person is Israel killed was a soldier.

Fact: More than 10 times as many Lebanese have been killed this week than Isralies.

Fact: Israel justifies this by saying they are responding to "Our 9/11."

Fact: Several thousand people died in 9/11.

Fact. Two people were kidnapped in Israel last week.

Fact: Israel can only get away with this shit because of American support.

Fact: 9/11 happpened because we support Israel.

The thing about fucking is that even for the horniest of horndogs or the sluttiest of sluts, there are just some places you would never go.

And, no matter how chaste and monagamous you are, there is always at least one person who could temp you to break your vows.

So, who are the top five people that you would risk life, liberty and property to fuck? And who are the top five that you would not fuck for any amount of money no matter how drunk you were?



My list:

To Die For:

1 Siouxie Sioux

2. Britney Spears, three years ago.

3. Rose McGowen

4. Shane From L Word

5. Drew Barrymore

Not In A Million, Billion Years

1. Lindsy Lohan

2. The Olsen Twins

3. Bea Arthur

4. Ashlee Simpson

5. Jenny, From L Word

Sometimes we go to the movies for the special effects.

Sometimes we go for the acting.

Sometimes we go because the actors are hot and/or naked.

And sometimes we go because what the actors say speaks to us.

As a writer, I'm a total spoken word junky. And I can obsess over individual lines.

Here's my top five. What are yours?

1. "Once again, I appoligize for all my shortcommings." (Gone With The Wind.)

2. "Life is just a way of looking at that wave and saying 'hey bud, let's party.'" (Fast Times At Ridgemont High.)

3. "How do you shoot the devil in the back, Agent Kujan? What if you miss?" (The Usual Suspects.)

4. "It's the stuff that dreams are made of." (The Maltese Falcon.)

5. "They sold you to Humble Pie for a case of beer." "What kind of beer?" (Almost Famous)

When I talk to guys in their mid 30s it seems like they all feel like they are hitting the peak of their attractivness, yet the girls I talk to that age seem to feel like if they don't find someone soon, all the guys will want someone younger.

What makes this suck even more is that it's the girls who are hitting the peak of their sexuality, and should be the most desireable, while the guys are losing testosterone by the day and should be becoming less and less wanted.

It makes no sense to me.

I've looked at a lot of pussy in my life and never seen an expiration date.

If anything else, the tuna tunnel seems to be more like wine - it gets better with age.

DEPW