Drunken Expat Writer

C. Love - The New Hunter S. Thompson

2008-07-19T13:33:04Z

If Courtney Love's latest blog entry isn't gonzo journalism I don't know what is.

For the link phobic it's a long rant against Ryan Adams and features this wonderful, almost poetic section:

"a dark pit of shit and fake names and insanity follows with lots and lots of people counting on Kookoo cherry not being able to prove things- and thats for another day- those people have not played chess with me.

But i was sitting with some people going thru the 29 american express cards that i didnt know existed that were connected to a few HUNDRED bank accounts,and there were all the bills for Ryan Adams worst record and one of the worst records i can think of in rock and roll history ironically called"Riock and Roll " and it was paid for by ME and mostly by my child.

and when i met Ryan we had a mild little flirtation, why not? but i made the deathly stupid decision to instead of just have very safe sex with him ( hes pretty dirty and man ive been around but im the virgin mary comparitevly) or make friends. no i fucking pimped my useless , ridiculaously terrible loser "Boyfriend" ( who ironically Edward Norton hates no one any more than this fuck and for good reason , yet Edwards OWN business manager put Barber up on West XXth street kitty corner from Edward, Barber could see into Edwards Apartment, and then he had his own Dean and Deluca account and an ABC Carpetand Home account and spent about 250,000 on furniture and another 600,000 dollars on travel, this loser who hasnt had a job since 98 - while Frances didnt have hardly enough to eat and i sure as hell didnt) i pimped Barber onto Ryan,"oooh hes a great producer"- maybe it wasbnt honourable0 i just wanted Barber gone, so maybe i used Ryan to get him gone,

yeah you listen to this shit im listening to my i tunes on right now who names a record "Rock n Roll" what assholes do that?

with these trebled up guitars my bandmate said sounded like "really horrific rem on steroids" all treble and compresssion and shit wirtten songs - but so what?

well on my amex atthat time the 858 but also from bank accounts....theres 200,000 thousnad dollar checks written to Barber for "comissions" ididnt even know where the fuck he was ! but here on Amex 28 is the entire invoice for Ryan- your ENTIRE album and meals and drugs and Hotels and outboard gear and wasted fabullous guitars STRAIGHT OUT OF FRANCES"S TRUST FUND
So you little shit, maybe you had NO IDEA right? is that why you used a hysterical voice mail of a very terrified and flipped out me- for your worst reviewed record and well deserved too, this record is shite totally one of the worst recordings ive ever heard yet Ryan you YOU spent 858,000 dolllars on this record of MY DAUGHTERS MONEY. so whats your paying me back plan? illbe in New York next week , you can start by working out your payment plan, because i will litiagate your thieving ass from here til eternity, your a thief and i used to think you had some subtsance to you then i find out your being managed or your money is by Victoria Blake? is that POSSIBLE? whata great PAL that lizard like cretin is t o you and i hope you had fun that week in :Jamaica" whilst more of my kids money was being shoved offshore- but thats not the point- Billy may have made my kid cry but i wasn't in the room - he's family and he always will be- he just laid his Billy trip on a person a little too young for it- I'm over it. but YOU RYAN, OWE FRANCES 858<000 dollars , so should isend the amex copies to Blake and he "staff"? because i would enjoy that very much,what a really good friend to leave you with someone whose been diagnosed as an "utter psychotic" by a professional foresnic psychiatrist."

Deep Thoughts

2008-07-19T13:24:28Z

So, Dark Knight became the first movie to take in more money in an opening weekend than Revenge of the Sith.

Which simply proves that Americans really really get off on men in black masks.

Madness

2008-07-19T11:34:13Z

We had Ed Ward over for dinner last night and talked about music and shit while eating some of Rome Girl's awesome pasta with farce, garlic and baby tomatoes.

We had one interesting musical conversation. While Rome Girl in general doesn't like rock and almost always hates metal, she really likes Rob Zombie.

"Why do I like this," she asked several times.

We had no response - but it is a fair question.

After Ed left we watched the first two episodes of Mad Men.

It's an interesting bit of television nihilism. It's set at Madison Avenue advertising firm at some point in the late 1950s and early 1960s. They don't say the exact year, but the birth control pill is available, spray on deodorant is a brand new idea and Richard Nixon is looking for an ad agency, so it's somewhere in there.

In addition to being very, very funny, it makes me wish I was an adult back then. Hell, I write ad copy now, but it doesn't seem anywhere near as much fun as it must have been back then when you could drink in the office, smoke cigarettes anywhere, pagers and cell phones weren't an electronic leash and people had this sense of economic destiny around them.

Of course the downside is that all of the women in the office were relegated to subservient roles as secretaries or telephone operators and subject to huge amounts of sexual harassment - none of which I'd be into.

I want to work at an ad agency in 1959 that has 2008 attitudes towards people with vaginas.

Is that really too much to ask for, god?

Va! Va! Voom!

2008-07-19T11:24:54Z

I've never been interested in Gossip Girl before, but after seeing their new ad campaign I'm tempted to download a few episodes.

Lovable Lesbians - Le Sigh

2008-07-18T16:24:00Z

Your Thoughts

2008-07-18T14:50:17Z

Gawker thinks the term "Cougar" is offensive and sexist. So do some of their readers.

I've always considered it either neutral or vaguely empowering (since it implies that the women are sleek beautiful animals and the men they pick up are "prey.")

What are your thoughts and why?

You're My Only Hope

2008-07-18T12:29:48Z

They started putting up posters today for The Clone Wars movie. I want to steal one so badly.

This is completely irrational since George Lucas has shown no evidence of having any clue of what the fans want to see. Also, since it takes place between Episode II and Episode III we know that all of the main characters survive, so how much suspense could their possibly be.

What would be much more interesting would be a movie taking place between Episode III and Episode IV because it might answer some of the more glaring questions in The Saga including:

1. Why Darth doesn't kill Palpatine. Seriously. Palpatine told Darth that if he went over to the Dark Side he'd save Padme's life. Anakin went to the Dark Side, yet Palpatine still let her die. You'd think Darth would have gone nuts on his ass.

2. Why is Darth a low level lackey in Episode IV. Isn't he supposed to be Palpatine's main goons. If so, why is he taking orders from a mid level bureaucrat like Tarkin?

3. Are the Storm Troopers clones? If so, when and why did their uniform change.

4. Darth's main job was to hunt down and kill all the Jedi. So why the fuck did he stop before killing Obi Wan and Yoda - the two most dangerous Jedi in existence, since neither of them did much to hide themselves.

5. Darth is legendary for being able to detect The Force in others - so why didn't he ping on Lea when he boarded her ship?

6. Why does Obi Wan lie so much to Luke?

Ron Rehab

2008-07-17T15:46:12Z

How fucked do you have to be before Keith Richards threatens you with a knife and a gun to sober up?"

100 Greatest Rock Songs

2008-07-17T14:08:05Z

This site has tried to put together a list of the 100 greatest rock songs.

While, I don't agree with the order of some of the songs, it's a better list than any I've seen before. At first glance the only ones I'd disagree with are "Show Me The Way" and and "Jesus Christ Pose."

Random Thought

2008-07-17T11:51:55Z

I wonder how much energy would be saved and how much we'd reduce our carbon footprint if we banned bottled water in Western nations.

Sure, I understand that in South America, Africa and parts of Asia, bottled water is essential, because the local water supplies suck.

But in America and most of Europe tap water is just fine. We buy bottled water simply because it's convenient (I'm thinking this because it's been 110 for a week now and Rome Girl and I are drinking bottled water like camels.)

I'm sure a lot of the plastic in Evian bottles is recycled, but it still must take a lot of energy to package, bottle and ship the water. How many of those plastic bottles end up in landfills? How much gasoline is spent transporting the water?

Seriously, I'm lazy and buy ice cold water when I'm walking back and forth to my shrink on a hot day. But, honestly I walk by roughly a dozen fountains that are spewing clean, drinkable water out. If I had a canteen I could pretty much get the exact same thing I'm spending a euro on.

I don't do it, of course, because no one else does it and I'd look weird. But, if bottled water didn't exist, I bet a lot of people would be using those fountains for a cold drink on a hot day.

It Depends On How You Define "Is"

2008-07-17T11:10:35Z

You know, I thought it was weird when the Bush people signaled that they were not really convinced by the theory of evolution.

But this defies even that logic.

For the link phobic they now want to change the legal definition of abortion to include hormonal birth control and IUDs.

I'm not sure if this is a greater assault on the nature of language or science.

I do know that I'm now waiting for the Secretary of the Interior to announce the world is flat and for NASA to insist that the sun moves around the Earth.

Maybe they could make new official world maps reading "there be dragons here" in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Black Canary Barbie

2008-07-17T10:57:49Z

Some parents are going apeshit over the new Barbie.

Your thoughts?

Freud

2008-07-17T10:51:49Z

If I was Anderson Cooper I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to say I can watch this bear for hours" on live television.

Insane In the Membrane Part Two

2008-07-17T10:44:27Z

So, the Jesse Jackson Fox News transcript is out.

How dumb, exactly, do you have to be to be in the Fox News studio and use the word "nigger?"

Seriously, like he said this in the "land of people who want to destroy the left."

What the fuck do you think he says when he's amongst friends?

Insane In The Membrane

2008-07-17T10:39:36Z

Andy Dick is insane.

Robe Is In The Laundry Today

2008-07-17T10:01:26Z

Freelance Job Lead

2008-07-16T13:25:44Z

We're currently in need of a writer to assist with a client project that will be related to the mixed martial arts industry. The project will include everything from Web site content, articles, press releases and creative writing. Budget: $1,000 to $5,000

If you interested please give me a call 949-637-0960

"With Your Success in Mind"

Kenneth W. Schmitz
www.salesfish.com
kschmitz@salesfish.com

Things Ex Pats Like

2008-07-16T12:22:28Z

I believe in fairness. Therefore, since I laid on the snark with Things French People Like I figure it's only fair to turn the tables and write about Things Ex Pats Like.

I'm all for the equality of snark.

1. Spending more money on alcohol each month than you do on your rent.

2. Bitching about the native population of whatever country you are in.

3. Finding ways to put off paying your bills.

4. Going to therapy.

5. English language book shops.

6. Films in English.

7. Peanut butter.

8. Comparing the different ways people say things in the U.S., the UK, Australia and New Zealand. (I've yet to figure out what "Bob's your uncle" means.)

9. Cocaine.

10. Talking about how fucked up you were/whether or not you puked the night before.

11. Being surprised by local holidays.

12. Complaining about how the natives don't work that hard - even if it's a Tuesday and you've been drinking with your friends since 1 p.m.

13. Finding teaching jobs.

14. The French health care system.

15. Bitching about pigeons - as though they couldn't possibly be as many in New York, London or Sydney.

16. Trying to guess if the new people hanging out in the bar are American or Canadian.

17. Family visits - because you know your parents will take you out to dinner.

18. Bartenders.

19. Gossip

20. New ex pats to gossip about.

Happy Hour

2008-07-16T11:57:17Z

Apparently some women are now getting happy ending massages.

What are you thoughts on this? Progress towards female equality? Most likely an urban myth? Would you, dear readers, pay a manly masseuse to manipulate your mango?

The Drunk Ex Pat Writer wants to know - on the Q.T. and very, very hush hush.

Indigo Girl

2008-07-16T10:17:42Z

"Have you heard about the concept of Indigo Children," Rome Girl asked.

"No,"I replied. "Do I want to?"

"Probably not," she said. "It's new age, so you'll hate it."

"Ok," I countered. "Tell me."

"It's this theory that children born after the 1970s are more evolved and special," she said. "They have indigo auras."

"I find it hard to believe that more evolved people would dress like Williamsburg hipsters," I said.

Going After Rails.....

2008-07-15T15:22:41Z

Very old and very good concert footage of Ozzy doing "Crazy Train."

"Do you know who this is," I asked Rome Girl.

"Either Satan or someone who wants to make my world miserable," she replied before leaving the room.

Awesome!

2008-07-15T14:53:40Z

Fleshbot not only used a tip I sent them - they also thanked me in the the post!

I'm on cloud nine!

Hairy

2008-07-15T13:29:24Z

Fleshbot's gallery of girls with pubes.

Some have a little, some have a forest, but none have that 14 year old girl look that is oh, so trendy.

Things French People Like

2008-07-15T13:19:41Z

Since the lovely Rome Girl just did a post on Things Italian People Like I figured I'd do a list of Things French People Like.

Fear the snark. Also, if you are in France feel free to add to this list.

1. Small pink beers. Really.

2. The phrase "Pas possible."

3. Waiting in line at the grocery store behind 15 street bums buying one beer each.

4. Going on strike.

5. Going on break.

6. Sitting in a bar or cafe for three hours alone at a table for four and ordering exactly one drink.

7. Stopping randomly in the middle of the street/sidewalk for no apparent reason.

8. Eating parts of animals that no one else in the civilized world would even consider.

9. Reminding you that French fries are really from Belgium.

10. Complaining.

11. Dressing like a gay man even if you are straight.

12. Foreskin!

13. Lifetime employment.

14. Hashish.

15. Rap/reggae music.

16. Bringing dogs into any and every business establishment.

17. Asking random people on the street for a cigarette.

18. Wearing T-shirts for sports they neither play nor watch.

19. Out of date American pop/rock bands.

20. Bitching about Arabs/Gypsies/Americans/Brits etc...

Damn

2008-07-15T13:08:21Z

I had no idea that white people John McLaughlin's age even knew what the word oreo meant.

Is he going to start using phrases like "Snap!" next or go "Word up!" when he agrees with his guests?