bart_calendar ([info]bart_calendar) wrote,
@ 2008-05-13 11:47:00
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The Heebie Jeebies
Thank god I'm seeing my shrink today. I've been completely stressed out since talking to my stepmom on Sunday. I wasn't able to write yesterday and work is piling up. I need to get some stuff written today or else I'll start pissing off clients, but I just have no motivation.

The stress feels almost physical. Bad sleep, stomach cramps, a lack of desire to eat much. All I want to do is chain smoke and sip beer.

My parents are going to be out here in June and I can't wait to see my dad, who I haven't seen in two years. But, with my stepmom clearly baiting me to start a fight with her, I'm really dreading her being here for three days.

I don't want her to embarrass me in this very small and gossipy town. I worry she'll say something to Rome Girl that will hurt Rome Girl. I'm terrified she's say something to me about Rome Girl or Trixie that will just push my buttons too far.

On the other hand, sometimes she's very nice and charming. So, I'm also worried that she'll be really nice and then I'll feel like a piece of shit and a bad son for being scared of her arrival.

Meanwhile, she's told my dad that she's thinking of not coming, so my dad has asked me to encourage her to come - a request that is tearing my soul apart.

So, I'm being nice. I respect my father and will follow his wishes.

But, I'm still sitting in the land of the horrible heebie jeebies.

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[info]sushis
2008-05-13 10:40 am UTC (link)
"she's told my dad that she's thinking of not coming, so my dad has asked me to encourage her to come - a request that is tearing my soul apart. "

Does your dad not understand that you really *don't* want her to come along?

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[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 10:42 am UTC (link)
You have to think of this in terms of a Russian novel with twists, turns and weird psychological underpinnings.

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[info]charlotte_webb
2008-05-13 11:19 am UTC (link)
No, you have to STOP thinking that way. Your goal in life is not to be a "good son." You are not Aeneas, or some sort of epic hero who has to honor the household gods. You are a guy who lives in France and has a great dad who married a bitch. And the sooner you stand up for yourself, the better you will feel. She's playing a game, and not joining in may be the only way to get her to stop.

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[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 11:23 am UTC (link)
I have to put up with both of them in person for three days next month and I'd like it to be as stress free as possible.

If that means emailing her "I can't wait to see you" it will stress me out but is something I'll simply do.

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[info]charlotte_webb
2008-05-13 11:38 am UTC (link)
You already know it's not going to be stress-free.

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[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 11:39 am UTC (link)
"as possible."

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[info]charlotte_webb
2008-05-13 11:41 am UTC (link)
Yes, but making it so should be a two-way street and she's already acting up.

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[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 11:28 pm UTC (link)
As my shrink pointed out today I can only control my behavior and my reactions.

The reality is she will be here. I can't make her sane and create a two way street.

I can just try to minimize the damage.

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[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 11:26 am UTC (link)
And I'm not playing the game.

I didn't email her anything negative at all in response.

I didn't take the bait.

Beware Irish mothers. They make me understand why so many sons went off to sea.

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[info]charlotte_webb
2008-05-13 11:41 am UTC (link)
Um, I have an irish mother. And irish grandmothers. And none of them would ever throw a party for the father of a woman who made their son's life hell.

By playing the game, I mean participating in this charade of a conversation, i.e. saying you want her to come even though she's being a pill. She wants to come, she comes.

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[info]cortocorto
2008-05-13 12:31 pm UTC (link)
My father does that to me all the time. "Oh, she doesn't want to attend such-and-such, but please ask her...FOR ME."

Fuck it!
If she wants to stay home, tell your father that you're being more respectful to her by honoring her wishes and not trying to compel her to do something she really doesn't want to do.

The trick is, to get your brother out to France, so you can engineer some type of deal to kidnap him and delay him indefinitely on The Continent...

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[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 12:47 pm UTC (link)
I don't understand the psychology of our dads asking us to ask our stepmoms to go places.

Are they trying to validate their choices?

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[info]cortocorto
2008-05-13 12:50 pm UTC (link)
I can't speak for everyone.

When my father does it, the sense I get is that he's trying to recreate the happy, getting-along, Norman Rockwell, 1950's nuclear family he never had.

He loves the illusion that "Everything is alright...everything is fine...nothing to see here...everyone is happy...this is my family...we all love each other, etc."

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[info]gentlemaitresse
2008-05-13 01:10 pm UTC (link)
In addition to what cortocorto said, I also think your step-mom likes to play the martyr. Your dad is very aware of this, and probably realizes that the only reason your step-mom is even suggesting that she might not want to go is so that everyone will make her feel loved by begging her to go, and trying to convince her of how much they want her there.

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[info]clovepod
2008-05-13 01:16 pm UTC (link)
exactly-- she's manipulating your father, and by extension she's manipulating you. i'm sure she's very pleased to have you both react to this.

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[info]gentlemaitresse
2008-05-13 01:09 pm UTC (link)
I think your dad is going too far in asking this of you. He is asking you to be insincere, dishonest! I can understand him asking you to be respectful towards her, but you should tell him that he's asking too much here.

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[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 03:55 pm UTC (link)
Yeah, he and I argued about this today and his basic thing is to be dishonest for the sake of peace in the family.

I'm just going to think of her like a client. I have plenty of clients that I'm nice to, even though they are total trolls.

If I can say "This was a fun project" just so they'll give me more work, I can say "Can't wait to see you!" if it gets my dad off my back.

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[info]thoughtsex
2008-05-13 05:01 pm UTC (link)
I think the goal is not short-term satisfaction, but to not let any of the bad crap get *in*. ...While keeping the relationship with the person you care about (father) on an even keel.

I resort to manipulation here and there so that I can get all kinds of stuff like this handled, on my terms.

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[info]gentlemaitresse
2008-05-13 05:37 pm UTC (link)
If that's what you want to do...

I think it's wrong, though. I think it does a disservice to your entire family to continue to enable her insanity. And I think your dad needs to know that, too.

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[info]sushis
2008-05-13 08:14 pm UTC (link)
I tend to agree with you ([info]gentlemaitresse.)



Edited at 2008-05-13 08:14 pm UTC

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[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 08:37 pm UTC (link)
What I want to do is tell her to eat shit and die.

But,I'm a practical man who loves his GF.

We have to do three days with them next month, and let's be honest, if I don't let myself be the target she'll go after Rome Girl.

And, I'd rather she went after me.

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[info]gentlemaitresse
2008-05-13 08:40 pm UTC (link)
Rome Girl is a big girl and can deal with it, I'm sure. But why don't you ask her which she would prefer, rather than making the decision on your own?

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[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 09:26 pm UTC (link)
Oh,

Rome Girl has made it clear that this is my problem and that if my step mom goes after her she expects me to do the right thing.

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Again
[info]thoughtsex
2008-05-13 09:51 pm UTC (link)
You fucking rock, chivalry ain't dead.

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Re: Again
[info]bart_calendar
2008-05-13 11:19 pm UTC (link)
If you aren't willing to take a bullet for your love, you probably don't deserve her.

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