Drunken Expat Writer

Dear Dick Wolf,

Congrats on getting Robin Williams to star in the latest episode of Law & Order SVU. It must have cost you a bundle.

But, boo on you for stealing the entire plot from the Saw films. I guess there are not enough ripped from the headlines stories to go around.

Or else you assumed that the highbrow people who watch your shows would never have seen a lowbrow film like Saw - and that the type of people who have seen Saw probably don't watch your show.

Either way, as a loyal Law & Order fan, I'm insulted.

Love,

Bart

A friend's entry the other day about how her daughter couldn't believe there was a time without the Internet made me start to think about technology in my lifetime.

The incident I remember was my birthday when I was about 11 (could have been 10, could have been 12) when after my cake my dad brought out a giant wrapped box.

When I opened up it the box read "The Time Machine." I was just young enough to for a second think that it was a time machine, but just old enough to quickly realize it wasn't.

But I had no idea what it was. The only other markings on it read "Zenith" - which could have meant anything - and "VHS" which was an acronym I'd never seen before.

My dad then explained that this was a device that would allow me to watch television shows that were on after my bedtime.

Neither I, nor any of my friends at my birthday party, believed him. We thought this was some weird adult joke. The idea that television could be recorded and played back later was alien to us.

My dad admitted it was weird to him to. He'd gone to the electronics store thinking he was going to buy a television set for my bedroom. And then a salesman had come up to him and shown him this device.

Dad then thought of all the arguments we'd had over whether I could stay up late to watch Hill Street Blues and stuff and realized this device could end all of those discussions. In his mind it was worth its weight in gold - and the thing was fucking heavy.

It was roughly the size of a modern 19 inch television set.

None of my dad's friends had heard of such a thing. Over the next few days as my friends went home and told their dads what I had there was suddenly a week long parade of fathers coming through the house wanting to watch the device that would let them watch football plays over and over again and debate if "the ref got the call right or not."

About a year later someone else got a similar device, but my dad was upset to find out that his tapes would not work in that dude's machine. I think it was a full two years later before the first store that would rent videos opened - and that shocked us.

This device was for recording Dynasty - who knew that for a couple extra bucks you could watch uncensored movies on it too! (For the record we knew you could buy movies, but back in 1980 they were about $70 a piece, which is the equivalent of about $120 a movie today, so no one bought movies.)

That's how old I am.

Those lips, those eyes...

For some reason Squirt goes apeshit for about an hour whenever I talk to Rome Girl on the phone.

She must be able to hear her voice.

About this Disney billboard?

The fucking spacebar broke onmy computer andonly sometimes works andit'sa holiday andthe computer repair placeis closed!

You know, if I was Tom Cruise and wanted my Scientology publicists to convince the world I was not gay, I'm not sure leaking that I dated Cher would be my best move.

Who's next on his list?

Bette Middler?

Liza Minelli?

Madonna?

I managed to get the space bar to work by taking out all the keys, getting rid of cat hair and putting them all back.

But, the space bar now makes a loud "clacking" sound like an old Smith Corona. I'm not sure if that is a harbinger of doom.