Drunken Expat Writer

"He's so sexy," Evangelical Girl said to my lady. "I need you to come to the Rockstore and see if you think he likes me."

Now, before I tell this story any further, I need to paint you a picture.

The Rockstore is a big cavernous club on the end of a street where nearly every male I know has been beat up by Arabs. It has one small bar in the front and then if you go through black double doors you can get into a huge dark space where people dance to Guns N Roses, Metallica and pretty much any type of music played by guys who wear lots of leather.

( rockstore )

Upstairs is another bar that plays techno music. People come here to drink, do drugs and fuck drunken drugged up girls. Girls go there for rough trade. There are always beer stains on the ground, the men's toilet is simply a wall that sometimes has water going down it.

Nearly everyone leaves the bathroom with the sniffles, if you get my meaning, and a lot of the guys seem to have a lot of tiny holes in their arms.

Now, let me tell you about Evangelical Girl.

She's about 32, blonde haired blued eyed, with huge tits and a virgin who spends her time trying to convert people to the Catholic faith.

Strangely, she's always happy and she likes to hang out with us drunken, bisexual, lesbian, heahten drunks - and she doesn't give us any shit about our lifestyle choices.

If fact, she's so peppy that Rome Girl calls her "Miss Mary Sunshine."

Now, let's get back to the story.

While Evangelical Girl is a virgin and plans to remain so until marriage, she still loves beer and men. Hence the problem.

She's gotten a huge crush on the scary bouncer at the Rockstore.

He is, as you would expect at this wretched hive of scum and villainy, a huge nasty piece of work, covered with tats.

I've seen him take problem customers into the bathroom, bang their heads against the wall, heave them out the door and then brush the blood off his shirt.

I suspect he isn't catholic.

But, she's in love with him.

DEPW

As I write this Rome Girl and DEPW are snogging in the middle of the Fitz and its not even lunch time. I am sure you think that some of the descriptions of this town are made up and that some of the stories about me are over the top, some are, but some are definately not. Take this morning, I had to meet an estate agent who turned out to be someone I knew intimately, not a surprise seeing as I slept with most of Montpellier before getting married, male and female and dont regret any of them. What is funny about this guy is that he acted like we had spent a fabulous and memorable night together and kept winking at me during the meeting, if only he knew that the only reason I had sex with him apart that hes cute is because he was on the couch at a party. It was my first party in Montpellier and I knew nobody and was on my own, I managed to get totally out of it, had a thresome with a belgian and a cute irish girl in the party givers bed, then about four other people joined in which I knew wouldnt go down too well with their partners who were obliviously drinking in the room next door so I extricated myself from the mass of writhing legs and breasts etc and went to find a couch to sleep on, there was only one....... and estate agent was on it, so there we go,I cant even remember it, I hope hes better at selling houses....... love to you all Miss Darling xxxx

"Did you scratch yourself," Rome Girl asked Miss Darling.

"No," Miss Darling said, blushing slightly. "It was probably Spectacle Lesbian (pictured below with Miss Darling)."





"That story I wrote is true," Miss Darling said, to change the subject. "That's how I met those people, and I have slept with half the people in town."

"No doubt," DEPW said.

And then the two of them went off to a ladies lunch.

DEPW

So, Rome Girl's friend, The Investment Banker is coming to visit in about eight days.

He's a really smart, nice guy, but suffers from both Short Man Complex and ADD. I wouldn't be surprised to see him wearing diamond watches some day.

He was supposed to come with the CNN Producer that Rome Girl once stared with in a porn film, but CNN Producer backed down at the last minute.

I like The Investment Banker, but he's only going to be here for eight days and he wants to see Barcelona, Nice, The Last Day of the Cannes Film Festival and like five other things.

Which means he's only going to like be in Montpellier for two days, but he'll be dragging me, Rome Girl or both all the fuck over creation.

On the other hand, The Iceman, who is the type of guy to wear pocket watches and Mr. Bitch who loves Swatch watches love making fun of Americans and taking the piss and I can't fucking wait for them to get to work on him.

DEPW - A man who loves his Movado watches .