Drunken Expat Writer

So when I called up my brother to wish him Happy Graduation I had completley spaced that it was my mom's birthday so didn't say "Happy Birthday" until she brought it up.

She wasn't bitchy about it but I do feel bad.

I've just had a lot of work on my plate for the past few days and did not know it was May 26th yesterday at all.

Part of me thinks I shouldn't feel that guilty because the only reason I even knew to call my brother for graduation was that my dad sent me an email yesterday asking me to - and I kind of feel like he could have said "by the way, asshole, also wish your mom happy birthday."

Called home tonight to say congrats to my brother for graduating Magna Cum Laude in law school.

As always my dad and I ended up talking about books we are reading.

Me: Yeah, I bought The Land Of The Painted Caves yesterday.

Dad: Burn it!

Me: What?

Dad: You will one day regret every minute of your life you spent reading that book. Burn it now.

Me: So, it's not good.

Dad: If you are smart enough to like American Psycho you'll hate yourself for finishing this book.

Me: Did you finish it?

Dad: Yes. But I'm a literature professor and I need to know just how bad things can get.

Me: But maybe it will help me know how not to write.

Dad: Just fucking burn it.

Went to the English Language Bookshop yesterday to get a new book (The Land of Painted Caves. Yes, I know Auel stopped being a good writer 15 years ago but I want to know how the fucking series ends so don't judge.)

Anyway, they were doing a language exchange thing (French people try to speak English to English speakers who attempt to respond in French.)

The bookshop has two floors and the top floor is much smaller than the bottom floor and was fairly crowded.

So, there was this French guy doing the language exchange with an American girl. She complained about how crowded it was.

He then tried to suggest that they go to the downstairs area, but had an English Language Fail.

What did he say, you ask?

"Do you want to go down on me?"

She had a horrified expression on her face until she figured out what happened and said "I think you meant 'Do you want to go down WITH me?"

Ok.

What's the most offensive joke you know? It can be misogynist, racist, homophobic, heterophobic, man hating, violent or whatever.

We are all a little racist and suspect of other genders and sexualities anyway so don't worry about being politically correct.

Just try to offend.

I'll go first:

"Why are there so many battered women in the world?

Because they won't fucking listen."

Your turn.

In the past 35 minutes the euro has dropped from almost $1.28 to $1.25.

Anyone know what just happened? I'm not seeing any breaking news on CNN.

Violet and I were arguing this morning about what DC Character they are going to have come out as gay.

My first thought was Ozymandias, but she's right that that wouldn't get anywhere near the publicity they are looking for. (Though he is obviously gay.)

So, I think it has to be Bat Man. He's a perpetual bachelor who runs around in leather for Christ sakes.

Violet thinks they can't do Bat Man because then parents groups would go batshit thinking that he was banging underage Robin (which he probably is.)

She thinks it has to be Aquaman, but my argument is:

1. He's a fish. Is he involved in sexual reproduction at all?

2. Who would give a fuck about Aquaman?

We'll see, but I'm telling you Bruce Wayne is all about Lady Ga Ga and Celine Dion.

If I had to choose between the Big Three religions I think I'd have to pick Catholicism just because it gives you a get out of jail free card.

Jerked off to transsexual porn? Fine, just tell the priest. Cheated on your spouse with a midget? Fine, just tell your priest. Stole money? Fine, just tell your priest. Beat the shit out of someone for no reason? Fine, just tell your priest.

As long as you just be like "Look, I fucked up" you can totally still go to heaven. Fuck, they'd let Ted Bundy go to heaven if he confessed.

With Judaism and Islam (and even most protestant sects) it seems like once you sin you are totally fucked - but if you go Catholic you can totally get your sin on and it's no big deal.

Ok, last year when Guns N Roses showed up three hours late for their Belfast show the crowd threw bottles at Axl and managed to actually hit him.

Yesterday when Axl turned up late for the Liverpool show the crowed tried to throw bottles at him but missed.

How will the crowd do at the Glasgow show do? Hit or miss?

Note: They will be handicapped by the fact that Axl has hired professional models to take up every seat in the front row - leading to this wonderful quote:

"Layla Ferguson, 19, Kyleen McKerlich, 23, and Annie Voigt, 22, are just three of the models who will attend the GN’R show, with Ferguson in particular unable to contain her fanatical enthusiasm. “I’m really excited about meeting the band,” says Ferguson.“I don’t know much about them really – my mum and dad are more into them – but I’ll listen to their songs before Friday.”

Guns N Roses played Liverpool last night.

For some reason the fans were surprised when Axl Rose showed up late.

I guess these people have never read a newspaper or been on the Internet in their entire lives.

Here is the best quote demonstrating that the "fans" are far bigger douchebags than Axl will ever be:

"The band were unbelievable, but just for the arrogance – to come walking on without no explanation – I think it was disgraceful.

“I have two kids and my wife was going spare. I have spent my life going to concerts – I went to see Paul McCartney and he came on stage on time."

Yeah, guess what asshole, you were not seeing Paul Fucking McCartney!

Fucking hell. If Axl put on a bad show give him shit for it, that's fine. But Axl has been turning up late for shows for 30 years. If you are enough of a fan to buy a ticket you should be enough of a fan to know this is part of the deal.

Source.

Q: When they hold a gigantic parade because your home team has won a football match and 25,000 people turn up to a square three blocks from you and another 10,000 show up a block away from your apartment and all the news helicopters in France are hovering above your building so low that your dishes and glasses are shaking how does you cat react to the sudden new noise?

A} Continues to sleep.

B} Looks for a cuddle from you and then goes back to sleep.

C} Goes insane running around the apartment peeing over everything and then huddles and shakes in a corner.